He is here! He is beautiful, he is perfect. The labor and delivery went wonderfully. He is a great eater, he doesn't cry the way Sienna use to (although Sean very optimistically brought up that Sienna was very mild the first week. Thanks babe.) Basically he is probably the best baby anyone could ask for and....most of the time...I am not...happy. I am really really struggling to stay positive. I basically haven't taken care of Sienna at all since before he was born. I am not allowed to lift her, I can't take her on walks....she has been sleeping in the basement until a few days ago. I know it is a short period of time but even though we have been in the same house....it is like we aren't. I am ready to start dieting, but I can't the way I want to and breastfeed at the same time. I can see all of these positive things...but they only make me feel worse for not being happy. Sean's program let him stay a whole week. Which is incredible and amazing...and I needed him to stay so desperately. I feel like a leech and I am not sure I am excited to not be one any more. I realize I was happy taking care of my own house even though I feel like I am not very good at it. I don't feel like I have any control over my life right now. None of these awful depressed thoughts belong under this picture of my perfect son. I love him. I love him so much. I just want the pain to go away. The self-hatred and loathing. Any ideas would be helpful.
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