Gabriel 1 week Old

Gabriel Quinn Nagle

He is here!  He is beautiful, he is perfect. The labor and delivery went wonderfully. He is a great eater, he doesn't cry the way Sienna use to (although Sean very optimistically brought up that Sienna was very mild the first week. Thanks babe.) Basically he is probably the best baby anyone could ask for and....most of the time...I am not...happy. I am really really struggling to stay positive. I basically haven't taken care of Sienna at all since before he was born. I am not allowed to lift her, I can't take her on walks....she has been sleeping in the basement until a few days ago. I know it is a short period of time but even though we have been in the same house....it is like we aren't. I am ready to start dieting, but I can't the way I want to and breastfeed at the same time. I can see all of these positive things...but they only make me feel worse for not being happy. Sean's program let him stay a whole week. Which is incredible and amazing...and I needed him to stay so desperately. I feel like a leech and I am not sure I am excited to not be one any more. I realize I was happy taking care of my own house even though I feel like I am not very good at it.  I don't feel like I have any control over my life right now. None of these awful depressed thoughts belong under this picture of my perfect son. I love him. I love him so much. I just want the pain to go away. The self-hatred and loathing. Any ideas would be helpful.

Birth #2 Induction with an epidural

Gabriel Quinn Nagle

Born: August 15, 2014
Time: 2:15pm
Hours of Labor: 6 (8 am to 2:15pm) About 5 pushes
Weight: 6lbs 4 oz
Height: 18 iches

I was induced at 39 weeks, upon request so that Sean, who was rotating in a different state every month for his fourth year of medical school could be there. Luckily I had a doctor who understood my need for him to be there. The induction began at 8 am, I was already having contractions which I think helped. My mom was with my and Sienna was with Aunt Melissa. I was using my birthing ball, and holding off on the epidural. I believe it was 4 hours in, my water broke on it's own. The pain became so intense, but I wanted to wait till Sean arrived. I decided not to. My mom held my hands as I received the epidural. At first it only worked on one side, but the got it working on the other before it was time for him to come. The didn't fade it off when it was time to push, which was wonderful because I didn't feel them stitch the episiotomy or any other pain for an hour afterwards. It was an amazing birth.